Did you folks know that there is an inequality between planets as to how many moons they have? I know, I know, most of you out there will react with a big “so what?” to this bit of startling news. But I’m a thick libertarian. I believe there is more to libertarianism than the non-aggression principle. I think that we humanitarian libertarians have to add to the NAP opposition to inequality; to all instances of this pernicious phenomenon. “But Block,” you say, “poor people feel badly when they realize the rich have more wealth than they do. The same does not apply to planets, for goodness sake.” How wrong you critics are. Not only am I a thick libertarian, I have also embraced anti-market environmentalism. We watermelons (green on the outside, but red on the inside) realize that the planets, too, have feelings. Is not Gaia, the earth mother, a living, breathing creature with feelings? Of course she is. When we engage in mining, or plowing fields, it is as if we are assaulting her. But if she is a sentient entity, then every other planet too has human characteristics. We politically correct people wouldn’t want to be considered “planetists,” or “earthists”, or, worse, “earth-firstists! Our planet is not special. Every other one is just as good.

So, getting back to the moon imbalance, let me lay out a few facts. Here are the planets, and the number of moons they have:

Major Planets

Mercury 0

Venus  0

Earth 1

Mars 2

Jupiter 63

Saturn  62

Uranus 27

Neptune 13

Dwarf Planets

Ceres   0

Pluto    5

Haumea 2

Makemake 0

Eris 1

Here is my source for all of this information:


Isn’t this a horrid state of affairs? C’mon, admit it: the distribution of moons among planets is a disgrace. If anyone were to calculate a Gini Coeffient for this sad state of affairs, it would be up into the stratosphrere. Why, even some “dwarf” planets have more moons than several of the major ones. We egalitarians have to do something about this.  Jupiter and Saturn are the Koch brothers of the galaxy! They must be forced to disgorge some of their unearned wealth, sorry, I meant moons, to the less fortunate.

I therefore call upon President Obama to set up a new initiative to transfer moons from those planets who have too many (you know who you are; don’t try to deny it!) and to give them to those who have too few. Yes, yes, I know, this will cost a lot of money. But we can’t be penny pinchers when it comes to a matter of Social Justice! I know that Paul Krugman will support this call of mine. Not only is he an egalitarian, but he is also a Keynesian. The outpouring of quadrillions of dollars (this is not a misprint; we can count upon the central banks of planet earth to pour in a bit of inflation when we need it) cannot but help bring us out of our present recession. And think of the jobs this new initiative will create. Rocket scientists, physicists, chemists, public relations hacks, engineers, economists, egalitarians, thick libertarians, etc.

Lew Rockwell is such a bully. He insists that I put in a disclaimer to the effect that the above is all tongue in cheek, lest thousands of irate people write in to berate me for my deviations from thin libertarianism and rationality. I used to think this was crazy; everyone would know I was kidding when I write a piece like this. Although, I tells you, after my experience with the New York Times, I’m not as sure as I once was that Lew is mistaken in this requirement of his. So, I’m not serious. I don’t think that the unequal distribution of moons amongst planets is a problem. Even if it were, I certainly don’t think government should be called on to solve it.

This article was originally posted on LewRockwell.com